


The Stolen Christmas

by carrot138



Category: Nancy Drew - Carolyn Keene, Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys Super Mysteries - Franklin W. Dixon & Carolyn Keene
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 06:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3477941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrot138/pseuds/carrot138





	1. Wait, what's happening?

It had been a whole day since Nancy had last been on a case and she was getting bored without the frequent attempts on her life. She was currently walking in the park, hoping from the depths of her heart that a case would cross her path. It was just then that a carrier pigeon fell out of the sky and hit her on the head. She ignored this and continued looking for a case.

Exiting the park her keen senses noticed that the streets were crowded as people desperately searched for a final present to put under their Christmas tree. Cars passed her at an alarming rate, but oddly a silver Buick with tinted windows seemed to be following her. This continued for a few blocks before the driver rolled down the window and chucked a Chinese puzzle box at her. The box broke when it hit the concrete and inside was a cryptic note. Nancy shrugged and threw it in a nearby trashcan. The day was turning out to be rather uneventful.

Then as she was crossing the street she heard a bang. Immediately Nancy ran to see what dangerous events were unfolding. As she rounded the corner and into the alley, she came to a sudden stop at the terrible sight unfolding before her eyes. Two people she thought she'd never see again were hanging precariously from the fire escape. Last time she'd seen them, they were riding off on jet skis into the sunset.

Just then one of them noticed her and shouted, "Run for your life Nancy Drew!"

"The building's on fire!" the other clarified.

"But there's no smoke?!?" Nancy was puzzled.

"Just help us get down! There's time for twenty questions later." the blond one shouted.

Thinking quickly, Nancy rummaged through a dumpster and found a discarded trampoline.

"Aha!" she exclaimed, "Jump onto this and then we can go get some coffee and talk."

"This is no time for highly caffeinated beverages, but I shall jump nonetheless."

Both boys each heroically jumped the last four feet onto the trampoline. Upon safely landing, the blonde haired one, Joe, grabbed Nancy's arm and dragged her out of the alley, his brother right behind them. When they ran out of breath they paused to discuss the problem that faced them.

Joe flipped his hair out of his eyes and gasped, "They…they're trying to steal…steal Christmas."

"Wha…wha…what?" Nancy stuttered as she leaned on Frank for support.

"It's true." Frank declared, "Much like the Grinch, their hearts are too small."

"That's a serious medical condition! Who is this 'they'?"

"Russia."

"A whole country?!?"

"Well, some Russians."

"Oh, that makes sense."

"Yes and we must stop them before it is too late," Frank declared dramatically, "There is clear and present danger and we may be kidnapped, poisoned, tortured or blown up, but I think we can do it with your help. Nancy Drew, will you help us on our quest to stop evil and solve the mystery of the stolen Christmas?"

Nancy hesitated and then looked deeply into his eyes, "Yes, we will solve this mystery together."

(Dramatic pause)

To be continued...


	2. Just Keep Dancing

After surviving a short jump from a building that was _not_ on fire, running into Nancy who just happened to show up right then because she heard a loud bang that was never fully explained and then proceeding to drag her back to the park she started this story out in, the Hardy boys laid out their evidence on a picnic table…

"Let's see," Joe dug around in his pocket for the clues, "We have a camera full of incriminating photos, four black sharpies, eight pages of blank notebook paper surrounding this dead fish, this paper full of dates highlighted in _red_ sharpie and this access card that we just stole…"

Frank elbowed him, "Borrowed."

"Yes, that's right. Borrowed."

"Is that all?" Nancy inquired, inching away from the dead fish.

"Well, we were going to sneak into this 'abandoned' warehouse whose address was written in invisible ink on the fish, but we needed the access card first."

"Wow. Invisible writing on fish! What will the Russians think of next?"

Joe nodded appreciatively, "They are quite clever those Russians."

A few short minutes later they arrived at a gloomy warehouse situated on the docks. An eerie mist hung over the water and Nancy shivered involuntarily. They then performed several feats of daring acrobatics to climb to the top of the building and cut the lines to the security cameras. Unfortunately the cameras were wireless so they simply spray painted the lenses, which really they could have done from the ground in a couple of seconds. Oh well.

They then approached the entry pad and used their access card that they had rescued from the burning building. The doors slid open. No lights were on in the building and they could only see a few feet in front of themselves.

"Who wants to go in first?" Frank asked tentatively.

"Nose game!" Joe shouted.

Nancy quickly stuck her finger to her nose before Frank had time to put down the spray can and access card.

Frank scowled at Joe, "No fair. The person that calls 'nose game' can never be it."

"That's why I always call it. And besides, you're the one that left our flashlight in the _burning_ building so really you should go first anyways."

"The building wasn't even on fire."

"Just go in!" Joe pushed his brother forward and jumped backward simultaneously.

Frank stumbled and hit his boot on a large crate. Picking up a crowbar that just happened to be laying nearby, he pried open the lid and gasped. The crate was filled with decorated Christmas trees. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light he could see that the warehouse was full of these boxes.

"It seems we have stumbled upon an illegal fir trade!" Frank exclaimed.

"Yes, I suppose they don't have many trees like this in Russia…" Nancy whispered.

Nancy and Joe inched forward and examined the contents of the box. Suddenly they heard a scraping noise followed by a scream come from the other side of the immense room. Sensible people and even most crazy ones would have taken that as their cue to leave. But not our heroes. Their inquisitiveness knew no bounds and they courageously stumbled forward to a sizable gap between the many rows of boxes.

Just then the lights brightened and a huge screen rolled down in front of them. Giant arrows appeared on the floor and an ominous voice with a thick Russian accent boomed from somewhere up in the rafters.

" _Welcome to my warehouse of Russian fun. What you see here is a giant version of your 'DDR' set to Russian folk music and a little bit of Tchaikovsky- I do love Tchaikovsky. What a wonderful man. Russian. Anyway, if you don't keep dancing terrible things will happen. Yes, quite terrible. So don't stop."_

At the end of this most bizarre announcement, giant arrows lit up on the screen and began moving.

"Oh, no!" Nancy cried, "What shall we do?"

Frank shrugged, "Considering that one: this guy seems crazy, two: these arrows are too far apart for just one of us to step on all of them in time and three: there seems to be dynamite rigged to the ceiling, I suggest we just keep dancing."

Nancy gulped, Joe promptly fainted and Frank sighed as Russian folk music blared down at them.

(Dramatic pause.)

What will happen to our heroes next? Will they die in a fiery explosion or will they manage to outwit those clever Russian DDR makers? Can they save Christmas? Find out next chapter.


	3. Sink or Swim

Last episode our heroes were left at the mercy of a cruel Russian DDR maker. The charmingly handsome, fair-haired Joe had fainted for no real reason while his equally handsome brother began the dance of almost certain doom as the arrows came faster and faster.

"Wake up Joe!" Nancy shouted, with much urgency (because of, you know, the dynamite on the ceiling…).

She looked around and found a sink with a bucket of water right next to it. _What luck!_ She thought and proceeded to pour said water over Joe's finely sculpted face.

"Ahh…argfr.." Joe sputtered articulately.

"Indeed," his brother replied, "I think we can get out of this if I use my fancy electronic jammer I have in my pocket to block the signal from the detonator. Why didn't I think of that sooner?"

So, with his amazing technology skills that he learned during his boy scout retreat last summer, Frank blocked the signal and they dashed to the back of the warehouse to try and catch the bad guy. They opened the warehouse doors and ran to the end of the dock. The boat was gone, but a seaplane was conveniently left for them to use to make chase.

Upon entering the craft, a fight ensued. You see, both Joe and Nancy insisted on flying the plane, because of course they both knew how.

"Excuse me, Miss Thinks-she-is-a-better-pilot-than-me, but I flew in a black ops mission in Kenya!" Joe exclaimed.

"Oh, yeah, Mr Cocky-beyond-belief, I heard that you crashed that plane."

"That was a tactical move brought on by enemy fire."

"So you were shot down?"

Frank smoothly commandeered the controls as the argument continued, "Nothing hit my plane!"

"Besides Joe, I am the more responsible of the two of us."

"Then how come you tried to drown me a few minutes ago."

"You are impossible."

"You are impossible."

"Am not!"

"Am not!"

"Are you mimicking me?"

"Are you mimicking me?"

"Oh, you are."

"Oh you are."

"Stop it."

"Stop it."

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"Frank, make him stop!"

"Frank, make her stop!"

"Wait, what are you doing flying? Are we in the air?"

They were indeed in the air and all the readers were rejoiced to see the conclusion of such a pointless dialogue.

From the altitude that they had achieved they could see a great area of the water below them. Just visible in the distance was the small skiff that the bad guy had escaped in. Frank continued to pilot the plane in its direction while Nancy and Joe sulked. In a few short minutes they arrived over the boat.

Just then, several red lights began flashing on the dashboard of the plane. The three expert pilots jumped and began flipping switches and hitting buttons randomly in an effort to get the light to go off but it seemed that the only thing that would do that would be more fuel in the tank. Perhaps they should have checked that sooner. But really, this adds more suspense to the plot.

"I hate to say this," Joe cried out, looking out the window, "but I think we'll have to jump."

"You first." Nancy declared as Joe opened the door.

* * *

What will happen to our adventurous teens next? Will they end up in Davy Jones' Locker or will they capture the villain and save Christmas? Find out next time.


	4. Seaplanes and Sunsets

Last chapter found our heroes doomed to crash into the ocean as their seaplane ran out of fuel for some plot-developing reason. Now they were forced to take drastic measures.

Joe quickly flung open the door and began calculating the speed of the boat below (slow-ish). Nancy counted the number of parachutes (zero; Russians don't need parachutes) and Frank calculated the probability that they would all die horribly (0; they never die in this story…oops, spoiler).

Having seen these comforting numbers, Joe jumped, shouting wildly, out of the door toward the boat below. The harrowing descent, whose final impact should have broken bones, ended rather better as Joe fell into a roll which, of course, saved him from even the slightest discomfort. Nancy jumped after him and he caught her, which as everyone knows prevents people from getting injured in a fall.

After viewing what could have very well been the end of his two friends, even though he knew it wasn't, Frank came to a startling realization.

"A _sea_ plane. A **sea** plane! Brilliant!"

Yes, he was in fact flying a seaplane whose sole difference from other planes was its ability to land on water. And they were flying over a sea. It's a wonder none of them thought of this before Joe and Nancy could heroically jump from the plane in order to both save their lives and apprehend the enemy.

Nancy shielded her eyes against the setting sun whose grand hues reminded her of iron oxide (the red kind with some orange and yellow mixed in).

Joe looked in the same direction and determined that the colors looked like a slurpee (cherry flavored with some lemon and orange).

As they began to argue about whose view was better, they spotted a suspicious looking man at the helm of the ship.

"Look, a suspicious looking man." Joe whispered.

"I think we should get closer look." Nancy insisted.

"Right." Joe agreed, "I'll go around to the right and you go around to the left."

"No, I think I should go around to the right and you go to the left."

"Why?"

"Because I want to go to the right."

"But I called it first!"

"NOSE GAME!"

A shadow fell over them and a booming voice announced rather forcefully, "How about neither of you take the right and instead I take both of you below deck for a chat."

Joe and Nancy both made sounds of protest however the sound of the man cocking his gun was really the only relevant sound.

As they were herded into the bowels of the ship Joe declared, "You'll never take us alive!" and made a heroic lunge toward the gun-wielding man.

Unfortunately this merely led to him being hit over the head with the gun. Unconsciousness followed swiftly. Nancy saved herself the headache and allowed the man to tie her to a chair and watched in amusement as he struggled to likewise tie up her friend.

What will happen next? Will Nancy be able to bargain for her life? Will she try to save Joe too? Will Frank land the plane successfully? Does the nose game ever work? Find out next time.


	5. I'm on a Boat!

Joe, having been rendered unconscious, was blissfully unaware of the scene that played out in front of him. Nancy remained focused and refused to tell who she worked for (which was no one) even when he made threats against Joe's fair-haired life.

"You'll never get me to tell you anything!" Nancy cried out heroically.

"Is that so? I happen to know everything about you even though I've never met you before. You care a great deal about this boy here. It would be unfortunate if something were to happen to your sweetheart," the mysterious stranger announced ominously.

"What! We aren't sweethearts," Nancy declared, clearly focused on the most important part of his threat, "I'm in love with Fra…Ned. Ned. He's only one I can like…err, the only one for me."

"You clearly seem to be telling the truth, so I think I'll go take a walk on the deck because I know that you can't possibly escape from those chairs and even in the _very unlikely_ event that you did we are all the way out here at sea. Hahaha," he laughed forgetting that they somehow ended up on his ship while he was in the middle of the ocean.

As soon as he left Nancy began kicking Joe to wake him up. This worked and they discussed escape strategies. Joe felt that they should use the saw nailed loosely to the wall to break free while Nancy preferred the more subtle strategy of breaking their chairs against the wall. In the end they decided to just wiggle out of their bonds because it turned out that the seafaring bad guy didn't know how to tie knots properly. People who spend a lot of time around boats rarely acquire that skill.

Meanwhile Frank landed the seaplane as gently as he could onto the water. When he opened the door and looked out he saw the boat far out in the distance.

 _I'll never get there now,_ he thought.

There had to be some way to catch up to them. He looked at the water below and was just calculating if he could possibly catch up by swimming when he saw a miracle. A small motorboat was headed his way. Frank quickly flagged it down. When it came to a stop he was surprised.

"Chet! Bess! George! What are you all doing here?"

Chet explained, "It was a really nice day so we decided to rent a boat from this really sketchy place on the docks. The owner was all 'I don't rent boats to gangsters' and then Bess was all 'Does my hair really look gangster today? Tell me the truth' and then George was all 'We came all the way out here to rent your boat even though we don't really have a reason to' and I was all…"

"The important thing," George interrupted, "is that we are here. Forget what Chet said about why. He never makes any sense."

"Right," Bess added.

"Wait, what are you doing out here Frank?" Chet asked the question that they probably should have already asked.

"Oh right!" Frank exclaimed, "Nancy and Joe jumped from this plane onto a boat captained by a villain and are surely in mortal peril at this point. There's a Scooby Snack in it for you all if you go with me to save them."

"Awesome!" The three friends chorused.

Frank climbed quickly onto their boat and they rushed to the rescue. Even now it could be too late to save their friends.

* * *

What will happen next? Will Nancy and Joe be able to avoid the seaman? Will Frank and company catch up in time? Will this story ever end? Tune in next time to find out this and more.


	6. The Bad Guy Loses

Nancy and Joe, having escaped their bonds, snuck back up to the main deck. They quickly spotted the bad guy and hid behind a large crate that was just sitting there for no apparent reason. Joe then risked a glance and determined that the man was occupied with eating dinner.

"Okay Nancy," he whispered, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I spotted a boat headed in our direction. The bad news is that if he looks up from his tuna salad, he will surely spot it and speed this boat up so that they can't catch us."

"Well then, there is only one thing that we can do."

Nancy stood up and threw the crowbar that was lying next to the crate at the man. It hit his shin and he stood up, cursing like the sailor that he was. Nancy and Joe then ran as the irate Russian hopped angrily towards them. The ensuing chase lasted long enough for the other boat to catch up to them and Frank, Chet, Bess and George scrambled onto the boat.

Upon facing a fight that was five to one (even he could tell that Bess was less than useless) the man surrendered, "I give up. I give up! Did you have to tie me up so tight? I'm losing circulation."

"Well, this is what you get for stealing all those Christmas trees!" Joe declared as Chet called the authorities.

"You get this all wrong. We smuggle Christams trees into US."

Joe cocked his head, "Say what now?"

The Russian rolled his eyes, "My nephew, Vladmir, he is very thick. I say to him, 'Vladmir, we need to find something new to smuggle in our guns with. The police are knowing about the crates of fish trick.' To this he says, 'Ah, uncle, I know the perfect thing. I will take care of everything.' How do I know that he means to hide our weapons in among crates of trees? I know how to sell hundreds of fish, how do I sell hundreds of Christmas trees? I do not imagine that any of you fine children would like to buy some, yes?"

"From you?"

"Who else?"

"After we've tied you up, called the police and are awaiting their arrival?"

"Da."

"In July?"

"Well…they are wonderful trees, last all the way until December, no problem!"

"Yeah, I think we'll pass on that offer," Frank frowned.

"For you, 50% off. In truth, we make most of our money from the illegal guns."

"Still, no."

"Ah, you want to bargain! 75% off. This is my final offer."

George raised her eyebrows, "No, means no. We aren't interested in your Christmas trees."

"Yeah," Chet chimed in. "Why don't you just open up a stand by the side of the road and sell them like a normal mafia henchman who imported fir trees from Russia along with a small arsenal on the advice of his unintelligent relative."

The man sighed, "You need a permit for that."

A few minutes later the police arrived on the scene. The teens pointed to the bad guy and then to the docks just visible in the distance. The police nodded and dragged the criminal away.

Nancy turned to Frank, "Well I guess this is it then."

Frank smiled, "Maybe we could get some coffee before I go?"

"Did someone say coffee?" Joe interrupted.

"Oh, I know this great place," Bess added.

"Paulo's over on main street?" George asked.

"They have the best pizza ever." Chet's eyes gleamed.

It was Nancy's turn to smile, "Yes, let's all go get something to eat. I'm starving."

* * *

Here ends the mystery of the stolen Christmas. Will any of our heroes need to testify in court about this sometime in the future? Will the police question them extensively instead of just taking their word for it? The answer to these questions is yes. Will you, the reader, ever hear more about this? No, I'm afraid not.


End file.
